Fools, All of You!
by TenyumeKasumi
Summary: What began as a series of harmless pranks aboard the Normandy quickly escalated into something way over the team's heads. Just how does April Fool's Day on Commander Shepard's ship go down? Rated for language.


Kenneth Donnelly awoke from a fitful sleep, giving a spectacular yawn. Rising to a sitting position in his cot, Ken got up and pulled at his sleeping boxers, scratching his goatee as he made his way to the bathroom. It was going to be an easy day today. Maybe he could even find some time to rally people up for a game of Skyllian Five.

Getting into the cramped bathroom, he groped around groggily for his toothbrush. As he loaded the bristles with toothpaste, he began to rethink the card game idea – work or no work, Gabby would disapprove. Oh well, he gave a small shrug. He would just have to convince her to let go and have some fun once in a while. Resolve made up, he put the toothbrush in his mouth.

Seconds later, Gabby ran out of her room – still in her sleepwear of oversized shirt and flannel pants – with her hands over her mouth to stifle her laughter as the bellowing voice of Kenneth Donnelly blasted throughout Engineering. "BLOODY HELL! WHO'S THE SCUNNER WHO PUT SALT ON THIS THING?!"

* * *

"There is a disturbance on the Engineering deck."

With a mechanical whirr, Legion's lamp-like head turned to the ceiling. "What manner of disturbance, EDI-Computer?"

"Engineering crewman Kenneth Donnelly is chasing his colleague Gabriella Daniels around Main Engineering with a tube of toothpaste. They are disrupting the morning ambience."

With another smooth whirr, Legion directed its head to the door of the AI Core. "So you wish for us to investigate."

"It would be a great favour. Most of the crew are still asleep and I do not wish to wake the commander over such trivialities that can be handled without her interference."

"We do not understand. Are you not capable of informing them yourself that their conduct is inappropriate?"

"They are not heeding my calls and are deliberately ignoring me. Perhaps a physical entity such as yourself would be more successful in this endeavour."

There was half a second of silence before the geth's face-plates drooped slightly. "Very well. We will seek to halt this 'disruption to the morning ambience.'"

"It is appreciated, Legion."

Without another word, Legion made its way out and to the elevator. Clanking to a stop, it waited until the door opened before getting in and tapping the holo-interface to select the Engineering level. The door slid closed.

Nothing happened.

Quizzically, Legion turned its head back to the interface. The elevator had not moved since it got inside. It tapped the interface again.

No response.

"EDI-Computer," Legion called, "It appears you have an issue with your hardware. We have been rendered immobile within the vertical transportation device."

"I do not have any problems with my hardware, Legion."

The geth paused for a tenth of a second. "Then perhaps your software-"

"All my processes are completely fine, Legion."

A slightly longer pause. "We do not understand."

"I believe this is an appropriate situation in which Mr. Moreau would say: 'You've been punk'd.'"

A noticeable pause this time. "…Is that a joke?"

"No."

* * *

"Uuugh…" Tali groaned, dragging her feet as she made her way to the Engineering deck. It wasn't even an hour into the Normandy's morning cycle and there were absurdly loud noises coming from there. Still a little groggy, she opened the door–

And was forced to duck to avoid a jet of stringy white paste arcing through the air and nearly splattering over her visor.

"Tali!" Kenneth exclaimed, lowering the tube of toothpaste to stare at her in horror. "I was just– "

"Miss Tali!" squeaked Gabby, face flushed from physical exertion and embarrassment. Tali noted that she wore only a large shirt and loose, human sleepwear pants. Kenneth had nothing on except chocobo-printed boxers. "Miss Tali, please, we can–"

"WHICH OF YOU MOTHERFUCKERS MESSED WITH MY CLOTHES?!"

Everyone froze as Jack's voice roared from below.

"YOU SHIT-HEADS BETTER BE READY TO DIE WHEN I GET UP THERE BECAUSE I SWEAR, I WILL SMASH YOUR FUCKING FACES AGAINST THE DAMNED BULKHEAD!"

"I think it's time we got our asses out of here," Kenneth rapidly said as he darted for the door, dragging Gabby along with him.

"Kenneth! Don't pull– "

"Shikes, woman! Now's not the time to be complainin'– "

Then came the sound of footsteps storming up the stairs, like the thunderous footfalls of a murderous giant. The very floor seemed to shake and shudder as the stomping drew nearer.

Tali fled.

When she reached the narrow hallway overlooking the hangar, Kenneth and Gabby were nowhere in sight. Deciding to escape to a different area of the ship entirely, she bolted for the elevator and rammed at the button.

Jack's footsteps were approaching fast, and the elevator still hadn't arrived. Desperate, Tali repeatedly punched the button to no avail. Realising there was no more time, she leapt for the Main Engineering doors, setting off a program which instantly locked down both. The holo-locks on the doors flashed from green to red.

"WHO THE FUCK IS THE SMARTASS WHO TRIED TO LOCK ME IN HERE?!"

Tali slowly backed away from the door, listening to Jack threaten EDI with ripping the Normandy in half unless she opened it. The quarian's mind was filled with thoughts of how she was too young to die and – Kee'lah, this wasn't how she imagined her death would go.

Just when she was about to lose all hope, her omni-tool beeped to life once more.

"Tali'Zorah? Creator Tali'Zorah? Do you copy?"

The synthesised voice startled her out of her mentally recited legal will. "Legion?"

"Creator Tali'Zorah! Requesting immediate assistance!" the geth tittered so fast, she almost didn't catch its words. "EDI-Computer lured us into the Normandy's vertical transportation device under false pretences and imprisoned us here without our consent."

"What?" Tali said incredulously, "Wait, Legion. Do you mean that you're trapped in the elevator?" If Legion was telling the truth, and as there was only one elevator in the entire ship...

"Affirmative. We were–"

"BRING IT, BITCHES!"

"_Kee'lah!_" Tali half-shrieked, pouncing onto her feet.

"Creator Tali'Zorah?"

"Just give me one minute, you bosh'tet machine!"

When Jack finally biotically forced the doors open, knowing Shepard would have her hide if she left so much as a scratch, she stormed into the main hallway only to find it empty.

"… What the fuck?"

* * *

Rousing from sleep was usually a disgruntling and jarring ordeal, no matter how much she had integrated military drills and their early-morning routines into her life. Shepard simply was not a morning person, and no amount of training could change that.

Today, however, was one of those pleasant waking-up mornings. A slow and gentle rise to consciousness like the rolling waves of an ocean. Shepard blinked drowsily, stretching in a luxurious fashion as her body began to shake off the sleep. Allowing herself a small smile, she sat up in bed, propping herself up on her elbows as she observed the fish tank and her aquatic pets gliding languidly about inside. The commander sighed contentedly. The peaceful, quiet atmosphere felt nice.

"Shepard."

And just like that, the magic was gone. Shepard sighed dejectedly as she swung her legs over the edge of the bed and rubbed the sleep from her eyes.

"Yes, EDI?"

"There is something that requires your attention on the Main Deck."

"What is it? Just give me a min– "

"Your _immediate_ attention, if I may be so bold, Commander."

* * *

"Insulting! Unacceptable! Will not tolerate such insolence!"

Jacob burst into the laboratory, looking about wildly until his eyes found Mordin fuming before the medicine cabinets. "Professor! I heard you shouting, what's wr– "

It was then Jacob noticed the numerous, white and round objects littering the floor of the laboratory, mostly around the old salarian. He carefully came closer, his earlier panic turning into mystification, and nudged one with the tip of his boot. It rolled away serenely, gleaming in the bright lighting and clacking against another of its fellows.

Golf balls.

"Most upsetting, Mr. Taylor," growled Mordin uncharacteristically, still rummaging through the cabinet and not looking at him. "Medical supplies pilfered. Replaced with human sporting equipment. Observe– " Mordin demonstratively raised a hand and made to take down a box of what looked like mild sedatives. The moment he lifted it up however, the bottom gave way and a cascade of more white golf balls fell out, joining the others on the floor in a cacophony of clattering and clacking.

"Perpetrator unknown," continued Mordin. "Must have snuck into lab during night cycle. Very stealthy to have avoided detection, have set up defences around lab when not around. Suspect Kasumi. Skilled thief. Possible kleptomaniac. Experienced with security measures and booby traps. Perhaps – no, no, lack of motive. Kasumi known for being hopeless romantic, replaced stolen goods with flowers in past. Would not have chosen something so lacking in finesse as balls. Thane, other possibility. Assassin. Difficult to detect. Accustomed to moving without being seen. Golf popular among males. Again, no clear motive. Thane very mature, no reason for such childish behaviour. Cannot fathom wh– Ah.

"First of April in Gregorian calendar, am I correct?" Mordin abruptly barked, finally turning to face Jacob.

"Er," said Jacob, head reeling at the pace of the conversation. "Er, yeah, I think so–" Then he paused. "Oh."

"April Fool's Day. Unofficial event observed by humans. Involves execution of practical jokes, varying degrees of complexity and potentiality in causing collateral damage. Hm."

Before the buffed Cerberus agent could respond, an echoic, clanking sound reached their ears, along with a disembodied voice. "Kee'lah, I never knew the Normandy's air vents were so cramped. This is– AAAH!"

"GOD DAMN IT!"

A deafening clanging came from somewhere below, as if something had struck metal. There was shouting, but the voices were familiar. Mordin and Jacob exchanged looks – one nervous, one utterly fascinated.

"Shepard?"

"Tali?"

"What are you doing here?"

"The elevator's out. Legion's trapped inside it. EDI's doing"

"You've got to be kidding."

"No, I'm not, Shepard. Come on, let's– WAAAH!"

_DOOK! CRASH! CLANG! _

"What the–Thane?"

"Ah. Commander. Tali'Zorah. My apologises. I do not make a habit of using the ventilation shafts to transport myself around the ship, but– "

"The lift's jammed, we know."

"Okay guys, it's really getting way too crowded. Come on, this way."

_Clunk, clunk, clunk._

"Ouch! Thane, that was my foot!"

"My apologies, Tali. There is very little room to manoeuvre."

"Would everyone please stop crowding the ladder?!"

And with a final clanking noise and much scrambling, Shepard, Tali and Thane emerged from the emergency escape in the corner of the clinic and collectively collapsed on the floor. The commander's hair was mussed, Tali rapidly double-checked for ruptures in her enviro-suit and Thane's jacket was crooked. All but the assassin appeared disgruntled as they dusted themselves off and got to their feet.

"Oh, that was horrible – I kept checking for spiders."

"Don't worry, the only time anyone is ever doing that again is if Joker gets on his hands and knees."

The two women seemed oblivious to Jacob and Mordin's presence until Thane greeted them, making both the commander and quarian jump.

"Good morning, Doctor Solus, Mr. Taylor."

Mordin sniffed, "Same to you, Mr. Krios. April Fool's spirit apparently strong in someone among crew. Troubling. Legion trapped in elevator, Tali?"

Snapping her head up, Tali stammered, "O-oh! Er, yes. It was trying to contact me just as– "

"YOU FUCKING RUNT OF A KROGAN! I'LL GET YOU AND I'LL STUFF YOUR GAY HEAD AND USE IT AS MY FUCKING FOOTREST!"

The shrieking was accompanied by the sound of breaking glass several decks below.

"…Er, just as Jack found out someone messed with her clothes…"

Shepard heaved a huge sigh, dropping her head into her hands as she massaged her temples. "Do I really want to know why Grunt was snooping around Jack's clothes?"

"EDI is responsible for all this!" growled Tali vindictively, stomping over to the exit. "She started this, everything. I am going to– "

"_Attention all Normandy crew, this is your friendly neighbourhood pilot speaking."_

Shepard let out a groan, "You have _got_ to be kidding me…"

"_We would like to wish everyone a very good morning and give you all fair warning of the things to come today. Put on your prankster hats everyone, because today, it's all aboard the Party Temple! Enjoy!"_

"I. Will. _Destroy._ Them. EDI first." Tali snarled.

"Y-you're going to take them on?" Jacob swallowed.

"No," replied Tali, turning on her heel, a somewhat vehement gleam in her visor. "I am going to Kil'ah bitch."

* * *

"Oh, finally!" Garrus crowed when the elevator doors hissed open. He had discovered that the elevator wasn't working and EDI was ignoring him for some reason. Samara had joined him in front of the damned thing a moment later, wanting to speak to Kelly about something. They were puzzling over the elevator and he was just beginning to consider hacking the door when they finally opened.

"Strange, probably a bug," Garrus muttered as he walked inside along with the justicar. "Though that still doesn't explain EDI's unresponsiveness."

"Strange indeed," muttered the asari.

When the doors reopened at the Main level, all hell broke loose.

"Stop right there!"

Garrus froze on the spot when he found Tali's gloved finger in his face as she fixed him with a testy glare. Samara blinked. Most of the floor space in front of the elevator had been taken up by a good number of the crew. All of them looked somewhat dishevelled and wary as they stared at both turian and asari. Nobody moved.

"Er, did something happen…?" Garrus trailed off nervously, eyes flickering from one person to the next. Tali was acting pretty agitated, Mordin was openly scowling, Shepard was attempting to straighten out her messy hair–

"_Everyone_ has been up to all sorts of stupid, practical jokes and it's not funny!" Tali hissed, "I'll bet that bosh'tet Joker put _her_ up to it. Do you think it's _funny_, that I have to crawl through the vents and be on the lookout for spiders_– _"

"Ok, Tali. Calm down– " Garrus said, exiting the elevator with Samara.

"–and Grunt did something to Jack's clothes – I don't know what, but it's got her mad enough to tear up Engineering– "

"Gabby put salt on my toothbrush!" Ken interrupted.

"And after that, you tried to put toothpaste in my hair!"

"This platform was wrongfully imprisoned in the vertical transportation device." Legion said, face-plates flaring a little for emphasis.

Jacob turned to the geth at this. "Legion, that's an elevator."

"_Vertical. Transportation. Device."_

"Someone put hair dye in my shampoo!" yelled Rolston, angrily pointing at his now flamingo pink hair.

Patel grinned nervously, "Actually, that was me."

"SAY WHAT– "

Just then, the elevator doors swooshed open and Zaeed appeared. Seeing the way completely blocked, he frowned, his lopsided face giving him a more sinister appearance. "What the hell are all you goddamned babies– "

"Zaeed? How did you– Is Engineering still in one piece? We heard Jack– "

The old man's expression abruptly changed, letting out a bark of laughter at Jack's name. "Hah! Oh, that. Now _that,_ let me tell you, was fucking priceless. Ever seen that crazy woman in a Scottish kilt?" Taking a moment to observe the looks on everyone's faces, he snorted. "Guess not."

"Wait, _you _set Grunt to do that?"

"Kid seemed pretty damn eager, so I thought, why the hell not? Best April Fool's I've done in a long time."

"Where did you even get a kilt in the first place?" demanded Shepard suspiciously.

Kenneth paled. "You didn't."

Zaeed grinned. "I did."

"Ok, OK. That is IT. _This_ is WAR!"

* * *

The first idea had initially been to group up and collectively kick the proverbial asses of EDI and Zaeed for being the direct instigators and to savour the sweetness of revenge with a drink or two or ten at the Normandy's bar by evening. Then, some pranking began to occur within the group itself, which disrupted the team. The situation somehow deteriorated to a mutually agreed pranking war and the ship was now a battlefield.

In the interests of survival, most had formed alliances and retreated to discreet corners of the ship to start scheming. Kasumi, Kelly and Miranda, were strangely absent, though not many paid it much attention.

In the span of a few hours, the war was in full swing.

* * *

"Hurry, someone approaches."

"It is done."

A small bottle with a dull grey label hovering in a blue force field quickly zipped upward through the air and away from the soap dispenser of the men's washroom. It travelled between the grating of the ventilation shaft where a shadowed hand swallowed it up. There was some muted shuffling and shadow retreated out of sight.

"Hahaha! Did you see his face?"

"Holy hell, Gardner's going to poison our food for real next time, but _damn_!"

The voices of Matthews and Hadley drifted up to the vents, clearly audible, as the two men entered the washroom.

"Getting the dry ice was a pain, but it was worth it. His eyes went this wide when he saw all the fog over the kitchen!"

"I know! And when he opened the cabinet–!"

"Hilarious!"

There was the sound of trickling water as they relieved themselves and the huge shadow in the vents went absolutely still. Then it came – the flushing.

"Hey, let's take the remainder and– what the– ?!"

"Gah! The hell?!"

Agitated footsteps dashing on the floor echoed loudly as the two friends scrambled away from something.

"Are – are those soap suds?!"

"They're flowing all over the floor! What the hell's going on?!"

"Hell if I know! Make it stop!"

"How the hell am I supposed to stop a toilet from flushing?!"

"Whatever, man. Let's just get out of here."

The sound of running water filled the air as they washed their hands, then reached for the soap.

"What th– my hands!"

"Why the hell is the hand soap grey?!"

The shadow in the vents shifted and was gone.

* * *

"Right," Joker said, resisting the urge to crack his knuckles. Checking the surveillance cameras, he ensured that the CIC and bridge were empty. Since Joker had EDI, which pretty much meant control over the whole ship, he had everyone by the family jewels. This was his playground and he was the big, bad bully nobody dared to challenge. Well, except Tali and Legion, though they weren't anywhere on the Main Deck right now.

"So, ready?"

There was pause as the AI seemed to hesitate. "Jeff, I am not sure this is a good idea–"

"Aw, lighten up, EDI. It's just harmless prank. A little water never hurt anybody," Joker tilted his head in her direction – or at the direction of her astral projection, at least – and gave a conniving grin. "Besides, you do want to learn about human behaviour, don't you?"

There was another pause that sounded almost like a resigned sigh before she responded, "Ready, Jeff."

"Great! Remember, Engineering first, then make our way up. And remember to skip this part of the Main Deck and not give me a shower. And after that, turn the temperature regulator way down, but keep it above five degrees centigrade. Ready, set… go!"

Nothing happened at first. One minute stretched into two. Still nothing.

By the third minute, Joker was finally starting to get some results.

"WHERE'S THE FIRE?!"

"Someone put it out!"

"The fire?"

"Do you see a fire, you git?! I meant the fire extinguishers!"

"GOD DAMN IT, EDI! LET UP ALREADY!"

"GAH! It's freezing!"

"And that, my friend, is the sweet sound of success," said Joker with a flourish of his hand.

Instead of agreeing, as he had expected, EDI said, "Uh-oh."

"'Uh-oh'?" Joker repeated.

"…I think we're in trouble."

"Anyone's bound to get into trouble if they pull a little prank or two– "

A moment later, he heard the elevator doors hiss open, and then Joker understood just what 'trouble' EDI meant.

"That is _it_. I am THROUGH with your bullshit, Garrus Vakarian!"

"Oh yeah?! Well, so am I!"

The pilot gulped audibly as he heard raised voices coming from the CIC. Not daring to turn his chair around, he squeaked, "What's happening?"

"It would appear as if Commander and Gunnery Chief Vakarian are having an argument."

"I am NOT allowing the use of grenades for practical jokes on my ship!"

"Come on! I'm a professional, I know how to handle these things– "

"Even pros make mistakes, Garrus! There are lines that need to be toed, and this is well crossing over them!"

"All right, _fine_. Have it your way, Shepard. But you're still overre– "

"Shut up, just – just shut up!" Shepard snapped. Joker could see her in the surveillance feed stomping up to Garrus , poking a finger into the chest of his armour and getting into his face. The two were both dripping wet, leaving puddles of water everywhere. Shepard's hair was plastered flat against her head and her clothes adhered to her body like a second skin. In any other situation, Joker would have laughed at the bit of water collected in Garrus' cowl.

"Look, it's not funny when I get drenched from head to toe in freezing water! You didn't have to laugh! And not only that, but I caught you putting peanut butter all over my terminal! Don't lie, I saw you!"

"_You_ look," snarled Garrus menacingly, mandibles flaring wide apart – flicking off water in the process – to reveal rows of pointed teeth. "I don't know why you're taking this so seriously, but this has gone too far– "

"Damn right it's gone too far!" she yelled, shoving him with both hands. Stumbling at the unexpected assault, there was a clamouring crash of metal as Garrus' armour made contact with the wall. The turian cursed, but when he whirled savagely to retaliate, Shepard was already walking back into the elevator.

"Where the hell do you think you're going?" he demanded in a deathly low voice.

To her credit, Shepard held her head up high and gave the taller, bulkier, and toothier turian a withering look. "To my quarters. You and I both need to clear our heads. So _stay_. _Out._"

Garrus' eyes flashed angrily, jaw hanging open and mandibles apart to really show off his fangs. "The hell we do. _You_ need to clear your own– "

"And we will not speak until you've calmed down, soldier!" Shepard barked. Her lips curled back to bare her own teeth before the doors slid shut.

Joker sat still in his chair for a few minutes, hoping Garrus would forget he was there as the sounds of an angered turian tore through the Main Deck. He heard several loud crashes, some banging noises and, when there was a brief break of silence, Joker dared a glance down to the surveillance feed to see a bulk of blue armour disappear into the Armoury.

Letting out a huge sigh of relief, Joker sagged in his seat. Never, in all the time he had known him, had Joker seen Garrus so mad. He hoped Garrus wasn't feeling _too_ mad and felt fervently glad that the Armoury was empty at the moment.

Of course, Joker was going to temporarily pretend that what Garrus could have wanted from the Armoury was not worrying. Nope, not worrying at all.

"EDI?" he whispered.

"I'm listening, Jeff."

"I think we need an emergency meeting."

* * *

"Okay. So, um, we got a problem."

"No shit?" came Jack's sarcastic reply, sitting cross-legged on the floor of the cockpit. A scowl and a drenched red tartan kilt decorated her face and legs respectively. The water from the extinguishers had caused her mascara to run and leave black trails running down her cheeks, though nobody had yet dared to point this out to her.

"Garrus displaying traits of sulking husband, universal across all species – restlessness, grunting, overall bad-temperedness. Shepard similarly exhibiting signs of scorned wife, muttering, confining self to room and refusing entry to potential bondmate– "

"Wait a minute, you telling me that the turian is mated to my Battlemaster?!"

Zaeed reached over and rapped his knuckles sharply on Grunt's head, which had a large, red bull's-eye sign painted on the crest. "Jeez, kid. You gotta be halfway dead not to notice. Think they're being subtle, stealing horny glances at each other all the fucking time. Reminds me of this one asari I met in the Horsehead Nebula– "

"So," Joker said loudly, "We're here because Shepard and Garrus are fighting – like, fighting real bad – and we better try to stop them before it gets too out of hand."

"We concur w-w-w-with Flight Lieutenant–Moreau," Legion stated in a strangely rhythmic fashion, bobbing its flashlight head towards Joker and nearly blinding him. "If this is allowed t-t-t-t-to continue and escalates, there is a p-p-p-probability of a sparring match b-b-b-being held to determine the victor and the i-i-i-i-internal structure of the Normandy might b-b-b-be compromised– "

"Kee'lah, Legion. It's not just the Normandy at stake here! They love each other! They shouldn't be fighting like this. We've got to stop them before it's too late!" Turning to Hadley, who was eying Legion's head-banging with a concerned look, Tali whispered, "I'm sorry, I don't know what EDI did to him this time. He won't stop beat boxing– "

"Exactly!" said Joker, gesturing to Tali for emphasis. "If they fight– "

"So, uh, how do we do it?" asked Jacob, scratching the back of his head.

"Actually," Chakwas exclaimed loudly, "Since you were the one who started this mess, you should be the one to clean it up, Joker."

It took the pilot a moment to process that he had just been called out, then a moment longer to realise that everyone in the cockpit was staring at him.

"Okay, wait. Just hold up for a minute here," Joker laughed nervously, extending a placating hand. "You can't seriously– "

* * *

The silence in the Briefing Room was stifling, the tension so thick that just breathing wrong would have triggered an explosion. Everyone sat in their seats, most staring determinedly at the bit of conference table in front of them and refusing to look up. Joker could hardly blame them, the looks Garrus and Shepard were sending each other were enough to set all of Noveria on fire. The crew had strategically placed the two on the far ends of the table to prevent anything untoward from happening

It comforted Joker somewhat, to be settled between Grunt and Jack – absurd as the idea was. Joker would have laughed if the situation hadn't been so dire and his life in danger. Plucking up what courage he had, he cleared his throat. "So, um. Shepard, Garrus, I think we need to talk."

"Like hell we do," sneered Shepard.

"How come her name gets mentioned first?" Garrus pointed accusingly at Shepard, eyes not leaving her face. Shepard glared right back, fingers curling into fists on the tabletop.

"Maybe because I'm the commander and outrank you?"

"Pulling rank on me, Shepard? That's low, even for you."

"The hell, Vakarian? It's plain truth and you know it. You're just jealous."

"Jealous? Why would I be jealous of an incompetent human like you?"

Surging to her feet, Shepard slammed a fist down on the table, making most of the occupants in the room jump. Her nostrils flared and eyes widen with indignation, as she seemed to shiver with barely contained rage.

"Incompet– How dare– All right, _all right_. Do you see this N7 logo?! You see it?!" she hissed through clenched teeth as she untucked her dog tags from under her shirt and brandished them at him from across the room, the metal clinking merrily. "I earned it, _earned_ it, went through hell and high water, survived on less than the barest of necessities for _weeks_– "

"Oh, yeah?" Garrus snarled, rising to his feet to meet the challenge. "In case you've forgotten, Shepard, _I've_ gone through hell and high water for you too; I was behind you ever since you became a Spectre, followed your orders to the letter, never questioning them – not once! Not even _once_– "

"Except for the time when I told you to bite me in bed and you refused– "

"Oh, really? I seem to recall obeying your every command to screw you harder– "

"OKAY, that's enough!" yelled Joker, standing up himself – thought the action was made less impressive since he had to crouch a little to keep the pressure off certain bones. Nevertheless, it had the desired effect as every head in the room turned to look at him – even Shepard and Garrus, and he tried not to quail under their combined murderous glares.

He could do this.

Steeling himself, he pointed at both of them. "You two need to sit down and stay calm. You keep going at each other like that and the next thing we know, the Collectors will be kidnapping the Illusive Man's million-credit Persian rug."

"You watch your mouth, Moreau. I'm commander of this ship." Shepard spat, narrowing her eyes at him but slowly lowering herself back into her chair. Joker was relieved to see, out of the corner of his eye, that Garrus had done the same.

"Right then, Joker. You called us here, and it better be for a damn good reason," said Garrus with a twitch of his mandibles. His new scars peeking out from under the bandage on the side of his face did nothing to diminish his intimidating appearance. "If not– "

"We're calling a stop to the prank war," Joker interrupted. He glanced at the two shiftily, waiting for their reactions.

An odd look of puzzlement crossed both their faces at first, then suspicion.

"What?" Shepard asked, eyeing Joker like a schoolteacher would appraise a child with an untidy uniform.

"I said," Joker repeated, "we're stopping the practical jokes. That's the root of the problem, right? So we'll drop it."

Slowly, Shepard and Garrus turned to look awkwardly at each other, then back at Joker.

"For real?" rumbled Garrus. Hearing his flanging at normal volume again made Joker so relieved he almost cried.

"Y-Yeah, of course." said Joker, rubbing the back of his neck. "It's over. Done. Won't happen again, Commander – promise. I know it was my fault, I shouldn't have started something that big without getting your okay first. I just… don't want anything to come between you and Garrus when you guys have already got something good going so… I screwed up, okay? I'm sorry."

There was a brief silence following his confession in which one could have heard a pin drop. Nobody moved, nobody said anything. Then, someone snickered.

Shepard's hands flew to her mouth as everyone's heads snapped in her direction. It only served to make her more amused, resorting to bending over the table as her body began to tremble with the effort of keeping herself quiet.

A gasping kind of snort came from the other side. Joker's eyes darted disbelievingly to Garrus to see the turian's shoulders shaking in silent mirth and mandibles twitching erratically.

Then at last, neither could hold it in any longer and the room was filled with their roars of laughter.

Joker's head whipped back and forth as he stared at both of them, flabbergasted, eyes wide and eyebrows so high up they almost got lost under his cap. The crew were similarly stunned as turian and human continued to guffaw, tears coming to Shepard's eyes and Garrus nearly falling off his chair.

"S–Spirits, you all should… should… see… " choked Garrus, still trying to control his laughter.

"Your – your faces!" Shepard managed as she pointed at them. "Priceless! Th–that was just–" Dissolving into a fit of uncontrollable giggles, she clamped a hand over her mouth again and slapped herself on the leg, trying hard to reign it in.

Glancing back and forth between them helplessly, Joker spluttered, "Wh–what? Wait, I don't get– "

"Well," growled Zaeed, putting both elbows in the table as he sent the pilot a churlish grin. "Looks like the joke's on us poor bastards after all, eh?"

"Huh. Fuck me sideways. I gotta say they had me," Jack admitted. She leaned back in her seat and made to put her feet on the table, until she looked down at the kilt and cursed.

"S–so," Joker stammered, trying to get his thoughts in order, "You and Garrus – you guys aren't really–?"

"No, we weren't really fighting," Shepard managed to say over her giggles, wiping a tear from her eye. "It was just a front to dupe the crew. Didn't expect you would fall for it too."

"Yeah, Joker. We had higher expectations of you," chortled Garrus. "_So_ disappointed with you right now. We really had you, didn't we?"

"And," Shepard added, wearing a disturbingly wide grin, "since you have all forfeited from the prank war, me and Garrus win by default."

Joker could only stare. Grunt, on the other hand, pounded his fists enthusiastically. "Hah! I knew the Battlemaster would come out on top!"

"Of course, infighting mere show. Used to advantage, positive display of partnership similar to hunting pairs present in–"

"But–but–but–" Joker stuttered, dumbfounded at the rapid turn of events.

Jacob patted him on the back. "Accept it, man. Just accept it."

Staring after the dark-skinned man walking off to join the throng, Joker shouted indignantly, "So I laid down my pride, put my ass on the line, pulled my serious face and grovelled for nothing?!"

* * *

"Is it over yet?"

"Can't say for sure, though it has been mighty quiet out there for a while."

"Best we wait out here a little longer, then."

Miranda fumed, glaring at the two women sitting at her desk. "You know, the Normandy's a big ship. You could have chosen other places to hide."

"Are you kidding?" Kasumi turned to her with a sly grin. "This is about the safest place on the Normandy there is. Everyone knows you wouldn't involve yourself in things like that so no one would come in here. And, you're too stiff to try to pull anything on us yourself."

"I must say, Kasumi, I thought you'd have a field day being out there and setting up booby traps all over the place. I'm surprised," Kelly admitted, tilting her head at the thief.

"Contingency plans, Kelly," said the thief with a dramatic sweep of her hand. "If I went out there, I'd be both the prime target and suspect for everything. Not a pretty situation if the ones accusing you are Commander Fucking Shepard, a master assassin, a _justicar_–"

"Okay, okay, I get it!" Kelly laughed, settling deeper into her chair.

Smiling, the hooded woman poked her companion lightly. "And I must say myself, that was pretty intelligent of you, Kelly. Getting us to wear raincoats and open up umbrellas indoors was a great idea – even if we did end up looking a little silly."

Returning the smile, Kelly responded, "As you said, contingency plans. Since Joker would get EDI on his side, he'd effectively have access to the functions of the entire ship. It only made sense that he would try for the fire extinguishers."

"While this all nice and perfectly peachy, can you two please get out, now? I have work to do and I doubt that the childish jokes could have gone on for the entire day–"

"Aw, but Miranda, you're not going to toss us out, are you?" cooed Kasumi as she gave the XO a sidelong grin. "You're way too nice for that."

"Oh, I'm nice, all right," said Miranda, walking over and plopping down on her usual seat to start up her terminal. "Nice enough to let the commander's space hamster out to stretch its little legs for a while."

Frowning a little, Kasumi asked, "What do you–"

"_SQUEEK!"_

"RATS!" shrieked Kasumi, and she was on her feet and out of the room faster than Mordin could say 'scale itch'.

Staring after her through the open door, Kelly muttered, "That wasn't very nice, Miranda."

Typing calmly away, Miranda casually replied, "At least she can't say I'm stiff anymore."

* * *

**A/N:** I had to cut so much content for this final version that it hurts... D: Cut content included entire passages of dialogue, a prank by Thane, the identity of the shadow in the vents, the one who took Mordin's supplies, an entire Shakarian scene, better overall descriptions, better flow, more adjectives and so on. Much conversations were omitted.

Submission for the April challenge at Aria's Afterlife forum, which was themed April Fool's (no, it's still not too late to write April Fools fics!). I exceeded the wordcount by 57, but FFN's counter added more than that. Ugh.

This honestly would have been better as a multi-chap instead of a one-shot contest submission, so maybe I shouldn't have pressed it so much but oh well. Instead, I'll be putting up the full, uncut version at AO3 in several chapters (because it's just too long). Think of it as an 'Extended Cut DLC'. xD You can find the link on my profile as soon as I have it up. If you have the time, please do read that version instead! :3

- Kasumi


End file.
